I am Willie R* Bingo…Willie Bingo for short.  Willie for even shorter.

When the Comedy National Advisor Board (CNAB) contacted me about contributing an article to their 25th anniversary 'potpourri' limited special edition quarterly magazine, I was a bit overwhelmed.  While no doubt being a great honor, the expectations of such a task….after all, the CNAB is the Mount Sinai (the Moses one, not the hospital) of comedy national advisor boards…sent a paralysis of mind and motor skills ripping through me.   'Why me?  What would I write about?   How much does it pay?' 
Well, I panicked.  I buried myself for two days in my apartment, on the couch, watching the complete 2nd and 3rd seasons of  'Mr. Belvedere' over and over again, while gorging myself on sprout pastries (who would have guessed they'd be good?), and Root Beer smoothies.  On the fourth time around on episode #61 from season 3, the one where Mr. Belvedere lies for Bob Uekers' character about where he was that night, inspiration, or at the least an idea, hit me.  I was going to call CNAB President Mackie Baldeen, ask him what to write about, and determine whether to agree to do it or not based on difficulty, time consumption, and what my psychic tells me.   So I called Mr. Baldeen.  Unfortunately, he was out of the country, but I talked to the temp who was filling in for the receptionist that day, who, coincidently, was also out of the country…I discovered through our conversation that CNAB was in talks regarding expanding internationally, including countries such as Nauru, Paraguay, Svalbord, and Poland…and a hand written memo from the President had been left regarding the 'special' edition.   The assignment seemed simple.  Just write a brief synopsis of your life leading up to your current state in the comedy world, or more simply, how did you get into comedy?
Great!  I'll do it.  My psychic agreed.  She had already told me a lot about my past, for example, that I had a twin brother whom I've never met or known about that was living in the country of Mayotte, and no matter how bad I wanted to meet him, I should not seek to, since it would only confuse me and possibly make me go insane.  I listened to her.  I never tried to search for him, though I miss him and think about him all the time. 
So, continuing on, here is my abbreviated life story.  I might add that most of what I write is based on what my psychic tells me happened, especially since in the early years, I vaguely remember anything;
 
'I was born in a hospital outside of Pittsburgh on October 12, 1969 (*).  It was then that I knew that I wanted to be a comedian.  I did all the funny baby bits….the poop in the pants, dribble on the bib, the clamp down too hard on the nipple…Things were going great.  Everyone would come to see me, and oh how they laughed!  But then I turned two, and my career suddenly took a turn for the worse.  I was no longer the funny baby I once was.  The old gags didn't work anymore.  I was constantly heckled and yelled at.  They said I was 'terrible'.  I would hear whispers and overhear conversations referring to me being part of the 'Terrible 2's'.  I tried to block it out.  I went on a sugar binge…box after box of Cap'n Crunch, Oreo cookies, and whole teaspoons of pure granulated sugar.  The next two years were a blur.  At age 4, things were really bad.  I needed to turn my life around.  It was then that I started seriously thinking about getting an education.  I checked into all the pre-schools, trying to decide what school would be best for me, and after months and months of careful deliberation, I finally chose the school that my mother said I had to go to.   Eight years passed uneventfully.  I had all but forgotten about comedy.  The only thing funny I would do in all those years was rub my shoes on the carpet and shock unsuspecting guests and friends by touching their ears.  But alas, it was only funny to me.  Everyone got mad when I did that.  This was comedy rock bottom.  THEN, high school arrived, and boy was my life about to turn around.  I decided it was now or never.  A new school, a new start, a new Sears (**) back-to-school outfit.  I had to make it happen.  I couldn't keep reliving the glory days when I was zero and one years old.   It was my first month of high school.  The first thing I tried to do was to take on the job of 'class clown'.   I was too late.  There was already a class clown.  His name was Gavon Kunkle.  Normally, I would have sunk into depression here, but I didn't.  I decided to damn all and dream big.  If not 'class clown', then I was going to be the first 'class rodeo clown'.   And so I did.  I would watch to see when someone would fall off their chair, then scramble over to make sure the chair didn't tip over on them, essentially getting between them and the chair to prevent further injury.  I wasn't really getting laughs with this until one day, in my haste to hustle to stop the fat kid, Eddie Glibhut, from sitting on a chair with one broken leg, my pants accidentally slipped down to my ankles due to me not wearing a belt that day.  Combine the pants-around-the-ankle Shuffle with the Weeble Wobbles boxer shorts, and Bingo!   The laughs came hard.  It was an epiphany of platinum proportions.  I was back on the comedic road.  I instantly became the popular 'dumbass', an overnight sensation. (not counting the 12 years from age 2-14 of absolute hell and forsaken misery).  High school also provided me with the usual series of 'first's', the one I most vividly remember being my first date (not bad, although bananas are still my favorite fruit), but it was that one fateful moment that started when I couldn't find my belt one morning because my father (***) used it to beat me the night before, and I didn't know where he (****) put it, so I went to school being the class rodeo clown, and my pants fell down.'  

Well, because my hour with the psychic is almost up and I don't want to pay for another hour, I have to wrap this all up quickly……;
   
'…and so that's how I became a comedian.  There's more to say, but that's for another time.  My only advice at this time is that in order to live, you need to dream, and to dream, you need to be sleeping.  So, sleep a lot I guess is what I'm saying.   I want to thank Mackie Baldeen and the Comedy National Advisor board for giving me this opportunity.  O.k. bye.'
                                               
Willie R* Bingo
You can  email Willie Bingo at WillieRstarBingo@cs.com
Look for Willie Bingo 'inappropriate advice columns' coming soon!

(*) not actual date
(**) may have been JC Penny
(***) was actually the babysitter, a woman, who was for some reason naked and groaning while she was spanking me 
(****) she